Before reading this post, keep in mind that it is satire. I wrote this a long time ago when I was sitting through a church of Christ Bible class on the book of Romans. Remember, it's tongue in cheek. I'm a member of a church of Christ and have been for over 25 years, so I think I've earned the right to poke fun at our tradition. It's okay to laugh at ourselves. This post is just that. A little fun. If it offends someone, well, that probably means that it's satire. Remember that satire stretches the truth and risks offending people for the cause of humor.
Here's my chapter by chapter breakdown of Paul's letter to the Romans to make the Church of Christ Bible Class teacher's job just a little easier.
Chapter 1. Romans 1:28 Atheists are stupid and homosexuals go to hell.
Chapter 2. Romans 2:1 This chapter kinda sounds like don't judge, but don't get confused. It really means you can judge if you keep God's law, and we keep God's law better than anyone else, so we can judge.
Chapter 3. Romans 3:23 Everybody has sinned. We even have sinned, but that was before baptism and now we have quit sinning.
Chapter 4. Don't let Romans 4:5 confuse you. Works are definitely part of salvation. Let's turn over to James 2 so we can understand Romans 4. Paul really means that we're saved by faith AND works. Paul is difficult to understand and James is easy to understand.
Chapter 5. Romans 5:6-8 are great for a Lord's Supper talk. Be careful with the rest of this chapter. We're sure it does NOT teach total depravity (Romans 5:12) and we're really, really, really sure it does NOT teach universalism (Romans 5:18). We know that only a very few go to heaven, so don't get confused by the phrases "grace abounding" (Romans 5:20) and "many made righteous".
Chapter 6. SEE! YOU DO HAVE TO BE BAPTIZED TO BE SAVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spend as much time as possible in this chapter. Be sure to also mention Acts 2:38. Mark 16:16. Acts 22:16. 1 Peter 3:21. Baptism, baptism, baptism, baptism.
Chapter 7. See, we are right about marriage, divorce and remarriage. Romans 7:2-3 We don't know about this struggle Paul describes in the last part of this chapter because we've quit sinning Romans 7:19.
Chapter 8. This chapter is tricky. Don't get confused by the "no condemnation" in Romans 8:1. You have to be "in Christ", for there to be no condemnation. You are only "in Christ" if you were baptized for the right reason, in the right way, into the right church, and then only if you continue worshiping in the right church and repent of every sin you commit. So, most who think they're in Christ are not actually in Christ and will be condemned. Next, everywhere you see "the Spirit" in this chapter, replace it with "the completed New Testament revelation". And whatever Romans 8:38-39 are saying, they're NOT teaching once saved always saved or perseverance of the saints. Paul says nothing can separate you from God's love. But remember that you can separate yourself from God. Your biggest responsibility here is to prevent people from becoming secure in their salvation and to prevent people from thinking that the Spirit does anything apart from the written word.
Chapters 9-11. We have NO idea what these chapters are about, but we're very, very, very sure that the Calvinists are wrong about them. Romans 11:22 is good. Behold the SEVERITY of God. God is SEVERE. Very SEVERE. Remember God's SEVERITY.
Chapter 12. Be transformed. That means worship correctly without musical instruments and don't have any fun. Transformed people don't wear shorts, don't drink alcohol, don't cuss, etc. If people don't think you're weird, you're probably not transformed enough. Romans 12:20, if your enemy is hungry, feed him, but don't use church funds to feed him.
Chapter 13. This is the Republican chapter. Don't break the speed limit or you'll go to hell. Romans 13:4 is why we support the death penalty.
Chapter 14. The stricter you are the stronger your faith is. And this chapter for sure isn't saying that we can disagree about important stuff like musical instruments. We're not sure which disagreements are allowed, but we're pretty sure it's okay to be a vegetarian (Romans 14:2), but we can't imagine why anyone would want to do that. What would you eat at a pot luck if you were a vegetarian? Maybe some brethren in California are vegetarians? Anyway, even though Romans 14:21 says essentially the same thing about wine as it does meat, you're weird if you don't eat meat. And you still for sure can't drink alcohol of any kind, including wine. We can't disagree about that.
Chapter 15. Romans 15:4 means to use the Old Testament when it supports our doctrine. We learn that shorts are sin from the priests' garments and most importantly we learn that musical instruments are sin from Nadab and Abihu (ironically). Don't get too carried away with Old Testament examples because the Old Testament has been nailed to the cross and has no authority. Sometimes, though, we need more than Romans chapter 1 when teaching about homosexuality, and the story of Sodom comes in very handy then. The rest of chapter 15 basically says "be good" and then something about Paul's travels.
Chapter 16. Romans 16:16! See! We have the right name! Church(es) of Christ!!! Never mind the first half of verse 16 because kissing is weird and we don't do that any more. Romans 16:17! Withdraw from everyone who disagrees! By the way, pretend there are no women in this chapter. Look over there, a squirrel! (Whew! that was close! Someone almost said "Phoebe". It's probably best to avoid talking about Phoebe, but if someone brings it up you need to be ready. Maybe bring it up yourself if you're feeling bold, but be very careful. Remember that even though Paul calls Phoebe a deacon of the church at Cenchreae, she wasn't a deacon of any church. Women can't be deacons. Everyone knows that. She probably was a really good cook and maybe a good ladies Bible class teacher. She was probably a great helper for her husband, whoever he was. The worst and hardest is if someone notices Junia. Avoid Junia no matter how bold you feel. No matter what Paul said about Junia, she was not an apostle. If someone does bring her up, be sure to throw shade at translations that say she was "of note among the apostles". Throwing shade at almost every English translation is your only hope with Junia. Man, it sure would have been nice if Paul had put verses 16 and 17 at the beginning of this chapter so then we could have covered those verses and conveniently run out of time before Paul starts commending all these women.)
Whew. Some of those chapters were really difficult. Peter wasn't kidding when he said that some of what Paul wrote was difficult to understand. Not impossible, but difficult. Follow this guide and you'll be okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment